party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize