I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
