Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
