is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Houston, we have a blender
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
