I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
