It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
