I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
