I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
