there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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