I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We are two peas in an std pod
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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