She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
