so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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