I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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