i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
