you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
