Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
