wakey wakey hands off snakey
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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