Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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