if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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