You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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