I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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