I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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