I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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