nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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