come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
