Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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