just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
