i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
