Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize