Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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