Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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