Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
