I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
