Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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