dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
