If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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