i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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