I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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