just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
God, I missed his penis.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
