I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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