I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My ass is underappreciated
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
