I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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