just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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