if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
