I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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