sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
