Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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