You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
