I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
