Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
