The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
