I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
