So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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