Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My penis needs a shock collar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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