it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
