i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want to have your abortion
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
