my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
